Welcome to January 2025! Did 2024 disappear faster than paper napkins at the church barbecue or what?! In case you missed it, a brief review.
January: Striking yet another blow for time-rich champions of political correctness, a woman named Susan returned a Christmas gift, sued the maker and had the name of the “Lazy Susan” legally and forever changed to “Energy Challenged And Genderless Rotating Food Server.” Her husband Lester snored through the entire episode, comfortably, in his La-Z-Boy.
February: Friends, Roman numerals, countrymen, lend me your ears. In Super Bowl XIX, the Atlanta Falcons beat the New Orleans Saints, XXI-XVII, with a touchdown late in the IVth quarter. The Falcons new head coach Bill Belichick, wearing one of the less moldy tops from his NFL-licensed Bereaved Sweatshirts Collection, said, “The New Orleanians are a good team. If we played them X times, we’d probably win V and they’d probably win V. We were fortunate to win this I.”
March: Larry the Cable Guy, in an unfortunate comeback, stars in “True Grits,” billed as a “culinary comedy” that will leave you “hungry for more.”
April: Apple introduces the I-Gadget, a thing that does something but no one is sure just what. Cost: $1,299 per unit. It is the size of a thumb tack. Supply cannot keep up with demand.
May: Marring a month made for affection, a power-broking Hollywood couple announces in a joint statement that they have, “after much thoughtful consideration, decided to split at this time.” The pair’s Facebook page read, “We remain committed and caring friends.” Each Tweeted and TikTok-ed that they would “have no more comments” about the “amicable separation.” Their personal skywriter wrote in the skies over the Hollywood Hills that the pair would “appreciate privacy in this difficult time.”
June: From Joy Story to … this. After falling in love on the set of “Toy Story 3,” Buzz Lightyear and Jessie the Yodeling Cowgirl announce the end of their two-year courtship, beginning a nasty split-up. “No one can live with her, I don’t care how big his batteries are,” Lightyear said. “‘Light’ is in his name for a reason,” said Jessie.
July: A postal worker described as “disgruntled” does something bad. Also, a fire “guts” a home, stimulus dollars “make an impact” on the local economy, and a “person of interest” is divorced by a person who didn’t find that person interesting at all. Why do so few people seem happy and gruntled anymore?
August: It was hot.
September: Following Larry the Cable Guy’s lead, Soap-on-a-Rope makes a comeback, as do Pet Rocks and The Waltons — with an expanded cast: there are now 112 Waltons, and four granddaughters are pregnant. Even Brooks & Dunn, the most awarded act in Country Music Association Awards history, scored their first No. 1 since 2005 with their smash single, “Losing Your Love in Fractions, A Fifth At A Time.”
October: Apple introduces the I-Don’t-Like-U, a device that gets you even further away from actual people but still allows you to communicate. Cost: $2,599 per unit. It is the size of a lint ball. People are still standing in line.
November: In between a demanding schedule of shooting commercials for Nestle, Auto Zone, Cream of Wheat, Chevrolet, Dr Pepper, Depends, Junior Mints, Senior Mints and Frosted Flakes, Jesse “Get Your Hands Off My Heisman!” Richards held a press conference to say he’d be returning for his junior season as quarterback at Southern Cal, squashing rumors he would go to the NFL early. “My dream has always been to play in the pros — but I’m already sort of doing that in the NCAA,” he said. “Plus, I just can’t afford to go to the NFL and take the pay cut right now.”
December: Doctors report that more sex decreases worry. But a government study shows that since people worry so much about how much sex is needed to decrease anxiety, the whole thing is counterproductive. The study costs a whopping and worrisome $255 million, plus tax. A government spokesman propped his feet up, lit a smoke and said, “We aren’t that worried about it.”
Contact Teddy at teddy@latech.edu