One of the biggest misconceptions about domestic violence is that a person should only contact a domestic violence program when they are ready to leave. That simply isn’t true. You don’t have to be ready to leave to ask for help. You don’t have to have a packed suitcase. You don’t have to have a plan. You don’t have to know what you’re going to do next. And you don’t have to make a decision about your relationship before reaching out to an advocate.
Sometimes, you just need someone to talk to. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re leaving. A person experiencing abuse may have many reasons for not being ready to leave. They may have children. They may depend on their partner financially. They may not have transportation. They may have nowhere to go. They may be worried about their pets. They may still love their partner. They may hope the abuse will stop. They may be afraid of what will happen if they leave. They may have left before and returned. They may simply not know what they want to do yet. None of these reasons mean they don’t deserve help.
A domestic violence advocate’s job isn’t to tell someone what decision to make. An advocate can provide information, listen without judgment, discuss safety concerns, and help a survivor understand the options available to them.
You can ask questions before you make a decision
Maybe you’re wondering:
• Is what I’m experiencing actually abuse?
• What are my options?
• Where could I go if I needed to leave?
• What would happen to my children?
• Can I get help without my partner knowing?
• What if I don’t want to leave right now?
These are all legitimate questions.
You don’t have to wait until the situation becomes an emergency to ask them. In fact, learning about your options before a crisis occurs can help you make safer and more informed decisions if circumstances change.
In a small community, asking for help can feel intimidating. You may know the people who work in local agencies. Your partner may know them too. You may worry that someone will find out. You may live miles away from available services. You may not have reliable transportation. You may worry about what your neighbors, family, coworkers, or church members will think. You may feel like everyone knows your business. Those concerns are real. But they shouldn’t prevent someone from learning about available resources and receiving support.
There is no “right time” to ask for help.
You don’t have to wait until you’re seriously injured. You don’t have to wait until the police are called. You don’t have to wait until your children witness an incident. You don’t have to wait until you have finally decided, *“I’m done.”
If you’re being threatened, controlled, isolated, intimidated, financially controlled, monitored, or physically harmed, you can ask for help.
If you’re simply confused about what you’re experiencing, you can ask questions.
One of the most important things a survivor can regain is a sense of control over their own life. Abuse often takes away choices. The abuser may decide where you go, who you talk to, how you spend money, what you wear, when you can leave the house, or whether you’re allowed to see family and friends. A domestic violence program should not replace that control with another person telling you what to do.
Your life. Your circumstances. Your decision.
Want to talk more? Please call DART at 318-395-8006.